Well besides my trip to the oral surgeon last Monday, today was my first time out. Tom and I went out to our Sunday night prayer group. First of all, I'm at that stage where I don't feel like I look too swollen, I feel more like I look strange - like a female version of Richard Nixon. Secondly, it's weird when in my mind all I can think about is how I look and no one really said anything about that. Just how I was feeling and doing. I felt like everyone was feeling sorry for me, like there wasn't that much change and I didn't look better, I looked worse, etc... Of course, no one is probably thinking about me at all!
Tom and I stopped at Marshall's to exchange some yoga pants and I wondered what it would be like to be seen in public. As soon as I walked in the guy behind the counter waves at me, and I think "I guess I still look like Elaine!". It was kind of funny, especially because of all the 'conversations' about identity I've read and heard and discussed with some of you! It was okay.
I think I had some hopes that if I finally had more balance in my face I would be much prettier and I'm just not feeling that way at all! I don't think I'm being fair to myself because I am not done healing at all. I know from going through another recovery from laser surgery over a year ago, that there are definite stages. Excitement (the swelling hides a lot of flaws), hope, disappointment (as the swelling goes down and the flaws reappear), and then acceptance. I remember feeling embarrassed the first time I went out after my last surgery. I was with a group of women and talked about it, though. Tonight I didn't really need to I guess. It's good to come home and 'talk' with you all though.
Here's the other strange thing... my nose is really crooked. I was thinking it was from the swelling, and I still hope it is. However, it feels like the bone is attached toward the right. Before the jaw advancement this was hidden in my then, longer nose. Now, the nose lands right where the bone attaches. My husband thinks we'll have to have this fixed in some way. I just think it's kindof funny. My nose never looked crooked before. Go figure. I was in an accident when I was 6 where I was hit in the face with a moving teetertotter on a swingset. I needed 50 stitches from my nose to my lip. My lip is crooked and I have some lines under my nose. They were straight and now they are slightly lifted. So interesting what happens to the face when bones are moved! Anyway, I'm hoping the nose straightens when the swelling goes down and we don't have to do anymore surgery. The good news is my brother-in-law (Tom's brother) is a plastic surgeon so he could probably just shave a little of the bone or something!
I'm rambling but that's what's on my mind right now. Feeling a little like I just want to stay home a while longer... not quite ready to face the world yet!
Kapoor and Sons (2016)
7 years ago
5 comments:
Hmmmm. I sometimes wonder if people are a bit hesitant to comment on how another person looks. Like it's uncharted territory and no one wants to be the one to screw up.
Have these people seen you at your most colourful & puffy to know how much better things really are? Perhaps they just see remnants of bruising and trauma and asking how you feel is "safer"? I'm not making excuses for them, Just trying to guess at possiblilities. Do these people know you fairly well? It really is weird that the more someone knows you, the more they don't register the flaws we study on a daily basis. They love you for YOU, all the different parts and see you as a whole. You could probably point out something specific and they might go "Ah, I see now", but not register it on it's own. Of course they feel sorry for you! I look at some of your pictures and go "OUCH! Oh, Elaine!" That the frustrating part of folks not understanding the entire process, aren't along for all the ups and downs along the way.
I have a couple of friend that are BRUTALLY honest, and though they are near & dear to me they are NOT on the list of people who are allowed to visit me the first three weeks unless invited. I've told them why not~ They'd tell me I look like sh@t and I know I'll not want to hear that, depending on the day. Because as much as I've tried to explain the process and how I might be feeling for day to day, I know they don't really get how emotional and difficult it can be.And I sure as heck don't want their pity, that would be worse in a way!Sorry, I'm rambling.
We'll keep our fingers crossed & send prayers your way that the nose straightens out as the internal swelling settles, it does happen. How sweet that you have a plastics guys in the family if you need him! Try to wait that decision out for a bit....crooked nose is COMMON in the first 3+ months post surgery, partly from swelling, partly from muscles pulling unevenly as they fight for their new position, and often works itself out. (granted it sounds like you've had some serious trauma there before!) Yes, there is the exception (poor Holly bears witness to that) but that's a battle for another day.
Sorry so windy and it sounds like I'm probably not saying anything you don't already know. Blah Blah.
You're one heck of a special lady, Elaine. Enjoy your time at home but when you're ready to venture out again ~Look Out World!!! :)
Kate~ No rambling from my perspective! I LOVE each and every one of your comments. Just what I needed to hear. And I DIDN'T know about the nose being crooked for the first 3+ months post surgery. You said all the right things, you are so 'in-tune' with what I was struggling with. Thanks for taking the time to reassure me and to 'pen' such thought felt remarks. I do so appreciate your words. You're the best!!
You're such a sweetie~ I'm paranoid that what I intend comes off WAY wrong most of the time, so thank you.
If you read back through the many folks who've blogged their recoveries, the one common denominator in most (though not all) is about having a crooked face. Not always a nose, sometimes it's the mouth, or one cheekbone seems to sit higher, etc.
Aside from deep tissue swelling which is known to linger longer than the immediate 'puffer fish' stage, I'm trying to find a link I know I read about how bone remodels itself (If anyone else has it at there finger tips PLEASE chime in). It goes through a stage of building up, like scar tissue, to protect the area that's been broken, then gradually reabsorbs, changes or distributes itself when it figures it's no longer needed to protect that area. It's a very real possibility anyways. And worth bringing up to your OS....nobody can reassure better than him :) If your actual nose was straight before and you're not just talking about being more turned up on the end or anything, then I'd put money on yours going back to it's previous shape, generally speaking. There's a reason we're told it takes 6 month to a year for complete recovery ;)
Haha, feel like I should add legal disclaimer or something *These statements have not been evaluated by....*
*hug*
If I can join the lovefest! :)
I really appreciate you sharing the ups and downs of your recovery. I can relate about wondering what others perceive me...especially after something as hugs as this. That kind of honesty puts a fella like me at ease because I'm not alone.
And thanks to Kate for being the comforter. (singing: Can You Feel The Love Tonight?)
*Group hug*
(While gently swaying to said tune....you're over the nausea, right Elaine? hahahahaha!)
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