pre-surgery anxiety

It's the day after Christmas and now that the festivities are taking a reprieve, my anxiety is filling up the void. So many thoughts and concerns before surgery. The swelling, the pain, the outcome!

I'm concerned about the loss of self in this whole process. I've spent so many years being unhappy with my profile and my weak chin... but now, I'm wondering how much my face will change. Will that be a loss of identity? What if I don't like my new face and I want the old one back? Have any of you gone through any of that? Did you think about that before the surgery? Why did you have the surgery in the first place? Anyway, I'm rambling but I'm going to let myself.

So, on I go... this is such a big deal! I'm having a saw to my facial bones! What am I thinking! My brain likes to do things the 'right' way... 'no CPAP for me, fix me, make me the way I was supposed to be before the 1970's ortho pulled teeth and moved my jaw back so far!' But, I didn't even consider what this would be like psychologically. I didn't think it might change my face dramatically! I only thought about my profile...

I don't really plan on changing my mind at this point, I always hope for the best and then deal with the disappointment afterwards. But, knowing me, I can really struggle for a while. I can picture things being different, how I am going to get what I want, etc. And, that tenacity and determination has gotten me a lot of what I want in life. However, it has also caused a lot of anxiety and mental struggle. I don't want to go through that after surgery. I want to accept my new appearance and move on.

Does everyone struggle with their new face, or is it only the extreme changes? Does everyone even see changes in their face or is there also disappointment in not enough change?

My OS was glad I was thinking about all of this but probably doesn't know how 'anal' I can be in my thoughts! It's actually a good and different thing for me to be dealing with this before the fact. Usually, I just put my head in the sand and hope for a miraculous outcome, and then deal with the disappointment later! I'm glad I'm looking at it now.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

breaking the picture rules...

Okay, I don't really have any profile shots that were taken for the purpose of before and afters. Here are a couple of pictures of my unbalanced face and my gummy mouth. I'll work on adding more suitable 'before' pictures later.



Here's the gummy mouth picture, I think I was making a face at my husband!

rules for taking my picture

There are several rules I have for having my picture taken...
They are:
1) no profile shots
2) no pictures without me knowing
3) I must be smiling
4) a picture from the back is okay as long as my face is not showing
The reason for the rules is obvious (at least to me). I like to look good in pictures. As an adolescent I took really bad pictures and hated it, so I worked hard to become photogenic. Anyway, that's why, I can't stand to see pictures of myself looking bad. For the purpose of this blog, I will ease up on my rules, though. I'm going to boldly show some pictures that I hate, but they're the way I see myself! I'm usually smiling, which is the least expensive way to improve your looks... and I'm all about that!

This is taken with my youngest daughter in New York City this summer. She looks a lot like me, and she thinks we're both beautiful. She even says, she likes it when we're out together because then boys will see what she's going to look like when she's 47!

my OS appointment

I love my oral surgeon! I took my 17 year old son in today to have his wisdom teeth removed and I had another pre-surgical visit. I brought in photos of different profiles, including my own. I told the surgeon I know we're doing this for medical reasons but I wanted to talk about the aesthetic part of it. He said, "good, good, that is so important" and really commended me for bringing in all the pictures and said we'll talk about this more, as much as I need to. He was so understanding about what a big deal it is to change someone's face. He really complimented me on all the research I'm doing and said how important it is to prepare yourself psychologically for this type of surgery. I felt so validated. The good part of our conversation was he thought I was asking for minimal change to my profile and that would have inhibited his ability to change my airway very much. When I showed him pictures, and told him what I thought looked better, it was more movement of the top and bottom and he said that was good and really frees him up to do the best job he can for my airway! I feel like we're on the same page. This is good news and I look forward to my next appointment when we'll go over my records, see a prediction of my face change, and talk more about what he's thinking and what I'm thinking. The big question is how to communicate my chin desires... any suggestions? He mentioned a 'button' chin. The skin dips inward under the lip and then comes out at the chin, even with the lower lip (I think).

Now for the important information... my son is doing fine. All of his teeth were erupted, so surgery was uneventful. He's sleeping peacefully at the moment!

I'm scared

It's probably normal to be feeling scared, right? I wonder how I'm going to look when it's all said and done. How does a surgeon strike the balance between medical help and not changing the patient's looks in a negative way. The thing I keep thinking about is how you go in for a haircut, tell the girl what you want and she cuts something WAY different, but you leave saying, 'it'll grow'. It's so hard to communicate with words, one word means something entirely different to two different people! With this surgery, you go in, talk to the surgeon about the way it's going to look, do you leave disappointed like a bad haircut, then what, it doesn't grow back like hair! And, it's your face!

I'm thinking about taking in some profile pictures and pointing to what I'm thinking he's going to do. He mentioned something about not giving me a prominent chin because I'm not used to it, but I want the best aesthetic outcome possible. How much is scientific measurement and how much is art and subjectivity of what my surgeon thinks is beautiful or balanced??? What if I like a strong jaw and he THINKS I won't like it?? What if I call a normal chin strong and ask for one, and he gives me a JAY LENO chin cause that's what's strong to him! YIKES!!! How do I communicate these things to him? And, more importantly, how do I know he gets it???

another try

Okay, just want to quickly say... technologically speaking, this blog stuff is fun! I feel computer savvy. That's it for now.

time to start a blog

I don't even know how to start this really. I've been looking at others' blogs and it has been so helpful. But, I definitely see value in all the feedback that comes from writing a blog.

I've been on this journey since I was about 16. I remember driving with my hand on my chin so no one would see my profile. And my 'well-meaning' guy friend who told me I looked really good 'from the back'. And the stranger who saw my face and exclaimed, 'oooh, she's ugly!'. As I write this, I don't know if I want to be this honest! I grew up with all the high school guys thinking girls were supposed to look like Farah Fawcett. What a chin she had! Anyway, all this to say, I have a recessed jaw. Or, as Matthew Perry likes to call his, a chin neck.

So, in Dec. 2006, I started googling recessed jaws and it kept coming up 'sleep apnea'. I went to a new doctor in Jan. of '07 and she suggested a sleep study. After all, my diagnosis for years had been 'chronic fatigue'. So, it came up mild sleep apnea, we tried the CPAP (to rule it out) and proceeded to the oral surgeon to see if we could get coverage for surgery. After 1 denial and 1 appeal, they approved. I got braced Dec. 2007, and on Jan. 13, 2009, I'm scheduled for MMA/GA surgery to enhance my airway for sleep apnea. As one blogger put it, when you're older time goes really fast! The time in braces has flown by and I rather like them. They haven't been too painful and they are said to take about 10 years off your looks!

I've struggled with contentment and people thinking I'm vain. People have said to me, "Elaine, God made you just the way you are and you're beautiful." That makes me feel guilty for wanting this bottom half of my face fixed. They don't get it. The internal feeling that I'm different. Seems like I should be over this by now, after all, I'm 47!

I'm thinking there is good reason for the jaw advancement surgery, the sleep apnea. But part of me thinks I'm doing it mostly for cosmetic reasons. I may get some real help from expanding my airway - it's 6mm. now and they're hoping to make it 10-12mm. That should make a real difference. It's funny, I can remember being tired a lot as a child, having trouble swallowing, chewing my food forever, etc... but then I just wonder if I'm making excuses. Anyway, I guess I feel ambivalent. But, the truth is, I'm glad I have the opportunity to have this surgery and I am hopeful to feel normal when all is said and done. Thanks for 'listening' to me ramble.