jaw journey jottings

19 months post op

2010-08-30T12:51:00.003-04:00

Just a quick update... here's a picture of me from last October... my 30 year reunion from high school.

All is well. I have most, if not all, of my feeling back. I never did lose feeling in my lips (thankfully!). I feel normal, like this is how I've always been. It's fun running into people who knew me before surgery and to see them looking at me intensely... I always ask if they think I look different and then tell them why.

I'm sleeping much better. I'm feeling like a normal person. I don't feel like I always have to smile so people don't see my "deformity" (lack of lower jaw and chin). I saw some pre-op pictures today and I'd love to post some pre and post op pictures. Probably will someday soon...

Bye for now.

I feel like I have marbles in my mouth!

2009-07-10T11:26:00.002-04:00

As my mouth heals, the insides of my cheeks are thick (probably with some scar tissue) and it feels like I have marbles or cotton stuffed in my cheeks! I'm feeling self conscious again about talking and hoping that extra tissue will break down over time. Also, doing some massage on it, both inside and out! My kids are always saying, "Mom! Why do you always have your hands or fingers in your mouth!?"

Another good/bad thing is I can eat more (good) so I'm gaining weight back (bad)!

I have a recheck with the ENT today and my septum still feels crooked, making my right nostril smaller than my left. That gives me more air flow into my left nostril and it is really getting on my nerves! Looking forward to talking with the doctor today.

Truth is... I'm a little weary of this process right now. It doesn't help though, that this week has been hard. When you're a mom of 4 (23, 21, 17, and 14) anything that they go through (that you know about), you go through and life is hard at those ages! I love them, they are constantly in my prayers, and I am okay... just weary.

I can't stop picking my nose!

2009-06-18T21:22:00.001-04:00

Sick, I know, but you try having nose surgery and keeping your fingers out of there! It's crusty and so rewarding... that's all I'm gonna say.

successful septum surgery...

2009-06-12T21:06:00.003-04:00

I'm back from surgery. Dr. ICAMP (I care about my patients) did a great job. I was able to have IV sedation. My nose is swollen inside so I can't really tell if it's going to be straight yet. I'm also dripping watered down blood so I have a gauze mustache - 'got milk'? I'm taking vicoden for the pain but it's very localized. I feel like I have a broken nose but the meds are really working for now. I was home about 1:00 pm, slept for a while, then got up and ate something and now I'm watching TV. I also watered my plants. Don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but I expecting the best.

more surgery tomorrow...

2009-06-11T22:25:00.002-04:00

Well, it's been 5 months and I am going in for my septoplasty tomorrow morning. I haven't been thinking about it at all until tonight. I just watched some youtube videos and now I'm nervous! I guess I was just thinking it will be nothing compared to the double jaw, chin surgery. It may not be anything compared to that, but I think it will still be another recovery. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm getting a little tired of not feeling normal!

zing... what was that!?

2009-04-23T15:53:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen and all of the sudden something snapped inside my face. It felt like a rubber band in my mouth but I didn't have any in there. My face was sore up by my nose. I couldn't figure it out until last night. Then, I realized it must be one of the stitches Dr. G used to hold my nose in place. He put some really strong stitch in a figure 8 on the outside of my nostrils to keep them from spreading out. I saw him this morning and he checked out my plates and screws and agreed that it was that stitch. Apparently it tore through the muscle and it is very sore. I don't need it anymore because my nose is healed and in place so that's good news.

My septum surgery is scheduled for June 12th (I hate to wait that long!). We have so much going on for the end of the school year so I had to move it from May 15th.

On a recovery note, I'm leading worship at church on Sunday for the first time since Jan. (pre-surgery) and it was weird singing last night. We practiced for several hours last night and it was strange singing. My face feels stiff, some of the numb areas are starting to wake up and I'm at an uncomfortable phase. Not numb, not totally feeling... Dr. G said a lot of people think this is a frustrating phase. After taking 3 months off, I'm scheduled a lot for the next 3 months. I'm sure it will get better but I'm feeling a little self-conscious right now and not looking forward to singing in front of people on Sunday. The good news is we have a really great group of people and they'll be totally supportive and cool about the whole thing!

That's it for me...

2 more opinions on my crooked septum

2009-03-16T11:04:00.002-04:00

Hey... just a quickie here... I saw 2 surgeon's this past week. A cranial-facial surgeon and another ENT. Both said my septum was probably too long since my jaw was moved up and shorted. Both thought it would be best to trim the septum and place it back into the nasal spine. [None of this 'I'll just remove your nasal spine, you don't need it anyway' bullpoop! Dr. Country Club is out... yeah!] I have to schedule a CT scan so the doc can see the full picture and come up with the best plan with no surprises. BTW, the cranial-facial guy is my brother-in-law; he's out of the city and out of network as far as our insurance goes. I'm going to the ENT who is excellent, she has done surgery on me and 2 of my kids in the past... and, I trust her! I think I'll call her Dr. I Care About My Patients or Dr. ICAMP for short.

pictures

2009-03-06T16:53:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm totally frustrated trying to move these pictures around and tell you what they are... but, it really doesn't matter. There's one with both of my dogs lying on me while I'm recovering. That was such a treat to have both of them 'glued' to me for a while, very comforting! Another one is of my new profile (obviously) and the other 2 are pictures of me with my Bichon, Riley. I still feel like my smile is a little forced and not natural, but I think time will fix that!

update on septum and such

2009-03-05T20:31:00.002-05:00

Okay... I had my septum moved and it popped right back, out of place. Bummer. Then I went to the ENT (one I don't really care for - we went to him once before and I called him Dr. Country Club). I didn't really want to say anything to my OS because I thought this guy was going to do my OS a favor. Well, it wasn't really clear to me or to the ENT. I went in there and he looked at me and told me he would just take out my nasal spine (some bone in my nose that he said I don't really need). He was going to use a general anesthetic because there would be a lot of hammering and breaking the bone etc... He couldn't do it for about 4-6 weeks and he wanted my jaw to have more range of motion anyway. I questioned his choices especially because my understanding was my surgeon just needed some help getting the septum to stay once it is moved. All that to say, I was pretty frustrated.

I have a call into my surgeon. First, I need to know if this is something he's covering under my first surgery. Second, if I'm covering this through insurance, I'm going to the ENT I already know and like. She's done surgery on 2 of my kids and me and I trust her. Third, I think I'd like to see if he can try moving it again and maybe wearing a pack in my nose for a week or so (while it heals). I just don't want to lose that nasal bone unless another doctor agrees that it is the best thing to do.

I also saw my orthodontist yesterday. He put more bands on my braces and much tighter ones! My teeth were so sore last night while I was sleeping. But, the good news is he told me with as responsive as I've been to treatment, I might get my braces off this summer. That is on the early side of what is estimated, so that's potentially good news. I didn't think I would care about the braces part, but it's funny how you do want them off when the surgery is over.

The ladies at the ortho office were so wonderful, they kept saying how great I looked. Between that office and the oral surgeon's office, I'm beginning to feel like a celebrity! Around here, people have jaw surgery, but having upper and lower both, is a little unusual. Everyone has been so kind and caring. Except Dr. Country Club... I just have this invisible button and I don't like it if I feel like someone isn't listening or is looking past me! I really wanted a different option and he was just like, "no, you don't need your nasal spine anyway"! Whatever...

Sorry it's been so long and I haven't posted recently. Thanks to those of you wondering and asking how I'm doing. Next thing I need to do is to post some photos! The swelling is gone and I'm looking more like Elaine again!

septum to be moved... next week...

2009-02-20T09:20:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update. Yesterday I was supposed to have a small procedure to try to move my septum (which is crooked due to swelling post surgery). I ended up with the achy, nauseated, diarrhea, stomach cramps (please God, I don't want to throw up - and I didn't), sleep all day between the pain. Needless to say, they rescheduled for today but I still feel pretty crummy, so I'm going in Tuesday. I'll let you know what happens...

5 weeks post-op

2009-02-17T11:15:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it's been 5 weeks since surgery! I'm feeling fairly normal. I'm still numb inside my mouth; roof, upper teeth. A little stiff around my nose and mouth, but it seems to loosen up during the day. And, it's still laborious to chew. I'm wearing my bands about 16 hours a day. I've been allowed to blow my nose since the surgery (softly, but still allowed).

I guess the biggest bummer is a lisp I've developed during healing. I'm hoping it will go away. I haven't noticed it today. But, when I talk a lot (almost always), I find myself apologizing for the lisp, saying it's only temporary, due to surgery.

That's pretty much it physically... emotionally, I'm feeling a little down. As I think about it, I think after so much time focused on surgery and healing, I need a new focus.

My son's girlfriend broke up with him Sunday night and we're all feeling pretty badly for him. She's been so wonderful for him and for our whole family. We already miss her. Maybe that's why I'm down. Also feeling a little misunderstood for my son, I think her family thinks he broke up with her and they might be mad at him. It was her decision and it came totally out of the blue. Not that any of this has to do with my blog. I guess I just wanted to vent a little.

Thanks for listening. I'll post after my doctor tries to move my septum (Thursday at 2:00).

day 30 ... crooked septum to be straightened

2009-02-12T10:41:00.002-05:00

Not too much to report. Dr. G took out my last stitches that were driving me nuts. I have a lot of feeling everywhere. Even little 'tickles' in the roof of my mouth. Some of my teeth are still numb.

So, when I saw Dr. G, he tried to straighten out my septum manually. It's a lot of pressure and he didn't want to try too hard. So, the next step is IV sedation, he'll take a blunt instrument and try to move the septum back to the midline (where he placed it after surgery!... apparently the swelling pushed it to the right and it hasn't gone back). Hopefully, it will continue to heal in its new proper position and nothing further will be needed. If not, I guess septoplasy. Whatever...

Yesterday, I ran into a woman I've known for years. We've traveling in similar circles and know many of the same people but haven't spent much time together ourselves. Anyway, once at lunch, then later while I was out shopping. We said hi and moved on. A little while later (in the evening shopping time), she says, "Elaine?". And I say, "Yeah"... It was so funny because I thought she knew the whole time, but she couldn't place me. We had a fun conversation on why I look like me, but different and it was pretty funny!!!

People who know me well are pretty open about me looking a lot different but it's fun to run into a situation like that. Here I thought she knew, but she was really searching her mind to figure out who I was and then later, took a chance by asking!! It was fun.

My daughter's friend keeps saying how 'creepy' it is that I look so different. She's funny. I'm not having a hard time with it, just wondering if I'll think I look better, or if I'll miss the old me. Right now, the only things bothering me are my lack of a smile and my midface swelling. I really feel like Richard Nixon, but mostly I think it's exaggerated in my own mind!

What a process!!! Sleep is good, though, and I'm so glad for that!

day 22... reactions from friends

2009-02-04T18:33:00.002-05:00

Well, I've been out now several times in big groups of people. I went to church, to Bible study, and to a super bowl party. Besides being tired, which I already wrote about, it has been good to be out seeing friends.

Today, one of my friends' moms came up to me and said she had noticed my profile in church Sunday and it reminded her of profiles she had seen and copied from magazines as a child! Wow, that was so nice!!! Other people just kept looking at me and telling me how different I look. "Sorry for staring, I just have to get used to your new face." I've been so open about the surgery and how I'm feeling, I think people feel open with me, too. Nothing was said that bothered me. It's a process for everyone. I was reading that it takes 6 months for the soft-tissue to settle into it's new place, so there's still a lot of changing to occur. Frustrating in ways but I'll just have to learn patience. Next time someone asks me how long recovery takes (what a complicated question... so many aspects of recovery!) at least I can answer about the changes in my face. "Don't get too used to this face, it may look entirely different next time you see me!"

Let's see... other areas of healing?
Feeling? gradually comes back over how long? 6 weeks - 6 months?
Eating? almost normal by...? I'm not sure
Range of motion? how long does that take?
Feeling pretty normal by...? 6 weeks?

I don't know any of the answers to these questions? It's probably different for everyone but there has to be a range. Anyone know a link or have the answers to some or all of these questions?

Anyway, I still feel self-conscious going out, knowing I look a little strange and this isn't the final face. But, I must say, I'm glad I'm pretty open about all this stuff. It's allowed me to talk about it with people who care about me, and it's allowed them to talk about it, too. Everyone is excited for me. I'm still getting lots of prayer and encouragement.

Still looking forward to feeling normal again. My airway has almost doubled in size. There was 7mm of bone advancement and 5mm of soft tissue advancement. I don't know if more soft tissue will move over time. If not, that still changes my airway from 6mm to 11mm! HUGE CHANGE!! I haven't been snoring and I haven't been waking up groggy. Although, I must say I'm very tired this week. I have noticed quite a lot of change in the feeling in my mouth and face so maybe I'm healing at a rapid rate and that is causing fatigue??? I mean, who really knows?

Anyway, still very glad to have done this. Also, glad to be on the post surgery side of this. Biggest complaint at this point is the stiffness in my face. I still can't wait to have a natural smile again.

20 days out from surgery ... easy to over do it!

2009-02-02T19:57:00.002-05:00

Hey All! I was feeling pretty good so I tried to go out this weekend. Kind of like I had a new outfit or haircut I wanted to show off. My new face and most of all, my broken bones weren't ready yet. I was at a funeral Friday and saw many people I hadn't see for a while, talked way too much, etc... Saturday laid around all day and went out to dinner Sat. night. That was a little ambitious as well. I had delicious tomato soup at Carrabba's then tried some pasta which was so hard to chew and made me a little tired and sore. Sunday I went to church, drove an hour to get my daughter from winter camp, and went to a super bowl party. We had a blast but laughed too much for my own good. I still have internal swelling around my nose and upper lip so my cheeks look weird and it hurts to laugh. I was beginning to look like a 'who' and also can do a fantastic 'Gilly' imitation (one of Kristin Wigg's SNL characters my husband and I have the skit down and love to preform it!)...

Anyway, I felt really tired today and this afternoon started feeling pretty crummy. I have more feeling in my face and that pain was wiping me out as well. I slept all afternoon and into the evening. I feel a little better now.

My guess is that it takes a lot of energy to heal and it's probably important to take it easy even when I'm feeling better... or maybe I have a touch of something??? I tried to read through some blogs last night but I think everyone is so different. Brandy said her OS told her it takes about a month when you're over 30, under 30 it's more like 2 weeks. Well, being 47 I'm probably doing really well!
But, it's okay for me to take it easy, that's what this time is for!

2 weeks! trip to OS

2009-01-27T18:55:00.002-05:00

My visit to the oral surgeon today was quite productive. I was released to eat soft foods, I can sleep whatever way is comfortable and I don't go back for 2 weeks! He also took out a few stitches that were bothering me. He and I both smiled because it kind of hurt when he took the stitches out - it was that understanding that it hurt because there's so much feeling in my mouth.

On the soft food note... Tom made tilapia, baked potatoes, and applesauce for dinner. It took a while but I ate it all! It was fun to eat real food again! Yea!!

I'm also at that weird stage of feeling different but not looking too different. For example, I took Natalie to the orthodontist today and while I was sitting there I told everyone in the waiting room I had just had jaw surgery 2 weeks ago. (In case they were wondering why I looked so strange - which everyone said they never would have known but hoped I felt better soon.)

It was fun to get out and do a few things and to not feel exhausted. I'm hoping that's because I can sleep better at night due to the enlarged airway. I still don't have the airway numbers but I'm hoping to by the next visit.

That's all for now...

day 12 ... first outing

2009-01-25T21:30:00.002-05:00

Well besides my trip to the oral surgeon last Monday, today was my first time out. Tom and I went out to our Sunday night prayer group. First of all, I'm at that stage where I don't feel like I look too swollen, I feel more like I look strange - like a female version of Richard Nixon. Secondly, it's weird when in my mind all I can think about is how I look and no one really said anything about that. Just how I was feeling and doing. I felt like everyone was feeling sorry for me, like there wasn't that much change and I didn't look better, I looked worse, etc... Of course, no one is probably thinking about me at all!

Tom and I stopped at Marshall's to exchange some yoga pants and I wondered what it would be like to be seen in public. As soon as I walked in the guy behind the counter waves at me, and I think "I guess I still look like Elaine!". It was kind of funny, especially because of all the 'conversations' about identity I've read and heard and discussed with some of you! It was okay.

I think I had some hopes that if I finally had more balance in my face I would be much prettier and I'm just not feeling that way at all! I don't think I'm being fair to myself because I am not done healing at all. I know from going through another recovery from laser surgery over a year ago, that there are definite stages. Excitement (the swelling hides a lot of flaws), hope, disappointment (as the swelling goes down and the flaws reappear), and then acceptance. I remember feeling embarrassed the first time I went out after my last surgery. I was with a group of women and talked about it, though. Tonight I didn't really need to I guess. It's good to come home and 'talk' with you all though.

Here's the other strange thing... my nose is really crooked. I was thinking it was from the swelling, and I still hope it is. However, it feels like the bone is attached toward the right. Before the jaw advancement this was hidden in my then, longer nose. Now, the nose lands right where the bone attaches. My husband thinks we'll have to have this fixed in some way. I just think it's kindof funny. My nose never looked crooked before. Go figure. I was in an accident when I was 6 where I was hit in the face with a moving teetertotter on a swingset. I needed 50 stitches from my nose to my lip. My lip is crooked and I have some lines under my nose. They were straight and now they are slightly lifted. So interesting what happens to the face when bones are moved! Anyway, I'm hoping the nose straightens when the swelling goes down and we don't have to do anymore surgery. The good news is my brother-in-law (Tom's brother) is a plastic surgeon so he could probably just shave a little of the bone or something!

I'm rambling but that's what's on my mind right now. Feeling a little like I just want to stay home a while longer... not quite ready to face the world yet!

exercising my face....

2009-01-23T19:40:00.007-05:00

Here I am trying to exercise my face. I so want to smile again!

day 10...

2009-01-23T18:09:00.012-05:00

These are before and after photos, The black jacket is the after photos the colored sweater is the before. To me, I see differences, maybe it's not as obvious if you don't know me...

I think I goofed on the last post. I think that was actually day 7 (so I changed it). Surgery on the 13th, it's the 23rd, that sounds like day 10. Anyway, I'm at the point now where most things are manageable. The worst part of the day is usually right before bed when my right jaw just aches. So, I put moist heat on it and then I can sleep. My jaws are a little sore today. I only have 1 band evenly on each side.

I'm still on liquids only but had mashed potatoes with cheese for dinner. So, anything I can swallow without chewing. The other day a friend brought a wonderful dinner for the family and even included some delicious potato soup for me! Well, there was apple pie and I just couldn't resist! We put a piece of it in the magic bullet with a little vanilla ensure and... voila'!!!!! apple pie drink. It was so good and nice to have something a little bulkier in my belly!

Here's the other thing as far as my energy goes: one day this week I dusted and picked up a little and felt pretty good. The rest of the time I was pretty tired and just worn out. I think it takes the body a lot of energy to heal. The good part is I don't feel too badly. I'm just on 800 mg. motrin about 3 times/day. And, I do love the bed buddy (Bed, Bath and Beyond for $9.95). It's the moist heat thing for my jaw.

Funkyrhodes, you were asking about going back to work. At this point I'm 10 days out and would hate to be committed to going back to work. I think it would really wear me out. I definitely think at least 2 full weeks, 3 would be best, if it's possible. But, I'll keep you posted as I feel better.

I want to post some pictures of my face from the front. I still have bruises on my chin, but they are fading a little.

day 7...

2009-01-20T12:58:00.003-05:00

It's so nice to be on day 7. Each of the first 5 days was so long and hard. The hardest part for me overall has been the sore stomach. Between antibiotics, motrin, an inability to swallow, and lack of an apetite, I have felt sick to my stomach and weak. But, each day swelling seems to go down a little, appetite up, abilities come back (like swallowing) and I'm finding food that's sitting well in my stomach.

The other thing is the sudden feeling of hitting a wall. This morning I got up, took a shower, picked up some doggie messes (our puppy likes to chew paper), and suddenly, hit the wall! My stomach felt so sick and I felt so weak! Fortunately, my 20 year old daughter came home last night, so I called her cell (we have a pretty big house), and she came up and fed me. Cream of wheat - yummy. But, yesterday I felt so good, I probably a little wiped out today.

So, gradually, I'm doing better. I'm sure the next frustration will be the lack of mobility in my face. I tend to be a very demonstrative, expressive person, and right now my face is not cooperating!! I'm wondering how I will look when the swelling is gone, right now I pretty much look like a chimp. My cheeks are still big, and my lips and jaw line, of course. But, I have a chin, my jaw is where it supposed to be, and I'm beginning to sleep well at night. I hope that continues to improve and makes a real difference in my life. That would be the best outcome of all!

some photos...

2009-01-18T22:56:00.005-05:00

Here are some before and after shots of my profile... The middle picture, I'm jutting out my chin to give me a profile - no wonder I have back and neck pain! There's so much swelling in the first photo but I think you can still see there's improvement

Here are some pictures from today of my beautiful bruising. The doctor said they had to work really hard against those chin and neck muscles who did not want to budge! You can see I'm pretty yellow but the purple goes down REALLY far on my chest (don't try to see if there's any exposure, there's not! Makes me think of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine sends out a Christmas card with her ni**le showing!) . Anyway, the bruising goes down even farther than the picture shows. I'm still quite swollen but I don't know how much shows, and my nose is pretty crooked but I think that's the swelling! One good thing about being swollen is every wrinkle and every acne mark disappears when I'm this swollen! It makes me look so young!

day 5...

2009-01-18T22:10:00.002-05:00

I'm actually not sure if this is considered day 5 or 6? I guess it's been a full 5 days as of 4 something. My surgery was Tuesday at noon. Anyway, I felt so bad all morning, kindof sick and lethargic. My hubby rubbed my head for a REALLY LONNNNNGGGGG time and that felt so wonderful, he made me soup, and went to Panera for some more soup. Finally, this afternoon I started to feel a little better. My oldest daughter and her boyfriend stopped with flowers and to see my beautiful purple neck and chest and to visit. While they were here, less than an hour, I started feeling really crappy again. I wish I could figure it out cause some of it feels food related. I think it might be the cranberry juice and soda water I've been drinking. I get such a stomach ache and so bloated! I think it might be the carbonation on such an empty stomach. Warm things feel and taste pretty good but I don't want any milk products because of phlegm. I'm not used to being so limited! I drank 2 ensures today and they sat pretty well, but even when I have a real fruit smoothie it seems to upset my stomach and make me feel really bad for a while! I wish I liked soup and had some great recipes! I love potato soup but don't know a broth based recipe. Anyone know a good potato soup recipe? Here's another frustration from my husband... by the time he takes all the 'stuff' out of the soup there's nothing left to give me. The soup from Panera had so much in it but there was really little broth left. The question is can you liquify the 'stuff' and keep it in the soup? It seems like I could have a little more consistancy - the OS said I could have cream of wheat so that's pretty thick. Anyway, maybe I'm being dense (haha, like the soup!) but I've just been eating the liquid... it caused a little fight between me and my hubby today. He's not normally great at care giving so this is a stretch for him, but he has been really wonderful about it!

Anyway, I hope you're all well. My features seem to change each day, I know there's a lot more to go and I'm anxious to see how I'm going to look. Today my nose is crooked and a little upturned. But, it's okay, it may not be as good as the nose I had but I'm okay [at least today]. As the swelling goes down I wonder how I'll feel about new features, but right now I'm content to have done this. I think I finally feel normal...

Laura said it well when she made a comment that she felt like her inside and outside now matched. That's what I want.

day 4 evening...

2009-01-17T19:35:00.002-05:00

Hey again. Just an update. One of the frustrating things is needing to sleep, sleeping and then needing to recover from sleeping! I feel so groggy and dehydrated after sleeping and then I'm ready for some sort of pill again and, of course I need to eat first but I don't feel like eating. I'm really having to push through a lot of my feelings.

Today I took my chin tape off. Boy, do I have the biggest, most beautiful lips ever!~ JK ~ THEY ARE GIGANTIC! Too bad my chin and neck are absolutely purple! I mean bright, beautiful purple. And, here's a TMI WARNING... my neck is purple all the way down to the top of my right br**st. It looks like I have a tan or something!

I know I'm jumping all over the place but I forgot to say what a weird day this has been. I felt absolutely terrible to the point of wimpering, and now I feel content. Low pain, discomfort, but nothing horrible at the moment. I guess I should just enjoy it and know these times will become more and more frequent but it's probably more up and down than continuous improvement. I've been having those strange feelings under my lower lip. I'm so swollen there's no way I could see any of the way I'll look when this is over and, at this point, I don't even care. I just want to feel normal again.

There are A LOT of food commercials on TV. I noticed when I had morning sickness but it's been a while... I told Tom today, you know your hungry when even dog food commercials look good! I must be really hungry!

4 days post op...

2009-01-17T12:03:00.002-05:00

Okay, here I am. My back hurts, my stomach aches and I need to POOP! It's getting a little easier to eat and I need to take more meds. That's all I do, eat, take meds, sleep, eat, take meds, sleep... I'm beginning to feel like a newborn. The roof of my mouth is really swollen and my face is too. I can take the chin tape off today.

Tom made me 2 smoothies, one last night and one today. We had friends stop by to watch a movie but I'm so not in the mood for company, they were really understanding and it was good to have them here. Tom was going to go out with Ed and Sue was going to stay with me, but I didn't want TOm to leave.

Whenever I start feeling crummy I try to walk around the house. There's no walking outside in Michigan right now, it's been below zero with even colder windchills. That's it for now....

ouch, this sucks...

2009-01-16T05:18:00.002-05:00

Let's see... this is Friday, surgery Tuesday - that makes this day 3. More swelling after this, that's nasty. I woke up at 4:00 this morning with the roof of my mouth swollen really far down. Makes it's hard to talk and hard to breathe. I don't want to eat anything - how could I eat? I'm trying to drink cold water to take down the swelling but I can't get enough of it down. I really need some pain meds but I think I should eat food first. Now what?

in the hospital...

2009-01-15T19:59:00.009-05:00

Here I am, in the hospital. The surgery took about 4+ hours. I had a rough first night, so I stayed in the hospital 2 nights. I just didn't want to go home after having trouble breathing. Here's a profile shot with a wrapped up chin. The second picture is me trying to smile. And the third picture is of my nose, it's shorter and a little upturned. I'm going to try to post some before pictures but I would like to get some comparison shots lined up over time. Those seem to be the most helpful.

Here's profile picture taken the night before surgery. I usually jut my chin out to make it look more pronounced but I think I wanted to show the full effect. I wish there wasn't a shadow in the picture. Maybe during this time off I can work on photo shop or something!

Anyway, it's really hard to see anything in these pictures. He was going to move my upper jaw 6mm forward and 4mm up, lower 8-10mm forward and chin 16mm forward. I must say I left the hospital feeling cute. Maybe with all the swelling and my shorter nose, I just felt cuter than usual??

That's all for now, I'm feeling like I need another vicodin!

i have a chin!!!!!!!

2009-01-14T10:57:00.003-05:00

Good morning, bad night! The good news is that I have a lot of feeling. My upper and lower lips both have feeling. The doc said in 25 years of doing this surgery, he's only had one other case of doing this and the person having feeling in the lower lip. So, that' another one of those 'kisses' from God I was asking him for! The yukky news was how much my throat hurt. It seemed like I would dose off for 10 minutes and then I would gag and wake up. One time I got a little panicky. But, the most important thing is to stay relaxed and calm and just breathe through your nose. Dr. G told me they really had to work hard to get my chin forward - he said it just didn't want to go! So, my neck is pretty sore from him and the other doctor pulling so hard. I'm on morphine right now, so forgive me if I repeat myself. My mom stayed over in the hospital with me which gave me a real sense of peace and being cared for. The one time I was panicking, I couldn't find the call button and she was right there getting the nurse for me. More later...

tomorrow...

2009-01-12T08:00:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow is the day. In one hour and one day, I'll be leaving for the hospital. Somehow, that makes me want to go back to bed. Maybe I'm just tired. I'm sure that's it, every time I type a word I have to go back and fix it. I must be tired. Besides having a bit of a meltdown Friday night, we had a good weekend. Friday, I was trying to get my husband to understand what I was feeling and I was giving him analogies like... "imagine you're preparing to jump out of a plane, you know you'll live but you're going to have broken bones cause your shute isn't going to open... now can you think of the anxiety I must be feeling?" Well, of course that didn't make sense and it only served to freak me out. But, we managed to move out of that meltdown and I'm doing much better now. Partly just choosing to relax. I have lunch with a friend today and I want to go to the store later. Also, for those of you who read my POOP story... I'm home this morning trying to relax enough to P**P. I know, TMI, but that's why I have a blog, so I can say anything I want! My husband promised me we'd get some pictures up on this thing tonight, so hopefully, more later...

four more days...

2009-01-09T09:34:00.002-05:00

Four more days until surgery. I'm excited and can't stop thinking about it. And, when I do think about it, my mouth starts getting dry and my muscles start tensing up. I guess I'm a little nervous, too. The thought of someone taking a saw to my face, knowing that I'm going to be regretting this at first, wondering how bad I'm going to feel, etc... that's why the dry mouth.

But, I'm ready, at least as ready as I can be. I saw my internest yesterday for a history and physical to okay me for surgery. They did a second EKG because the first one showed a strange developement of some right branch blockage (yikes) but turns out the tech. just misplaced the lead. I do have some changes in my EKG from the last time. Apnea events can cause changes to the heart, so we are wondering if the surgery will correct those little blips in the EKG?? I'm too young to have heart stuff going on. My dad was a cardiologist and I thought that made me exempt from heart problems (right? or am I getting that mixed up with jinxes and Murphy's Law and irony?)

Well, I just typed a story and erased it as I thought... there is such a thing as TMI. You can thank me later. It wasn't even a very good story. Not missing much here.

Today, I'm out to do more returns from Christmas, and to have a massage that my son gave me for my birthday (last May!). It's a good time for one, because my muscles are holding tight and I don't think I'll be able to lie on my stomach for a while!
Hopefully, more later when I figure out how to download photos! Maybe I'll have a relaxed smile on my face?

pre-surgery anxiety

2008-12-26T10:53:00.003-05:00

It's the day after Christmas and now that the festivities are taking a reprieve, my anxiety is filling up the void. So many thoughts and concerns before surgery. The swelling, the pain, the outcome!

I'm concerned about the loss of self in this whole process. I've spent so many years being unhappy with my profile and my weak chin... but now, I'm wondering how much my face will change. Will that be a loss of identity? What if I don't like my new face and I want the old one back? Have any of you gone through any of that? Did you think about that before the surgery? Why did you have the surgery in the first place? Anyway, I'm rambling but I'm going to let myself.

So, on I go... this is such a big deal! I'm having a saw to my facial bones! What am I thinking! My brain likes to do things the 'right' way... 'no CPAP for me, fix me, make me the way I was supposed to be before the 1970's ortho pulled teeth and moved my jaw back so far!' But, I didn't even consider what this would be like psychologically. I didn't think it might change my face dramatically! I only thought about my profile...

I don't really plan on changing my mind at this point, I always hope for the best and then deal with the disappointment afterwards. But, knowing me, I can really struggle for a while. I can picture things being different, how I am going to get what I want, etc. And, that tenacity and determination has gotten me a lot of what I want in life. However, it has also caused a lot of anxiety and mental struggle. I don't want to go through that after surgery. I want to accept my new appearance and move on.

Does everyone struggle with their new face, or is it only the extreme changes? Does everyone even see changes in their face or is there also disappointment in not enough change?

My OS was glad I was thinking about all of this but probably doesn't know how 'anal' I can be in my thoughts! It's actually a good and different thing for me to be dealing with this before the fact. Usually, I just put my head in the sand and hope for a miraculous outcome, and then deal with the disappointment later! I'm glad I'm looking at it now.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

breaking the picture rules...

2008-12-09T09:28:00.003-05:00

Okay, I don't really have any profile shots that were taken for the purpose of before and afters. Here are a couple of pictures of my unbalanced face and my gummy mouth. I'll work on adding more suitable 'before' pictures later.

Here's the gummy mouth picture, I think I was making a face at my husband!

rules for taking my picture

2008-12-09T09:00:00.003-05:00

There are several rules I have for having my picture taken...
They are:
1) no profile shots
2) no pictures without me knowing
3) I must be smiling
4) a picture from the back is okay as long as my face is not showing
The reason for the rules is obvious (at least to me). I like to look good in pictures. As an adolescent I took really bad pictures and hated it, so I worked hard to become photogenic. Anyway, that's why, I can't stand to see pictures of myself looking bad. For the purpose of this blog, I will ease up on my rules, though. I'm going to boldly show some pictures that I hate, but they're the way I see myself! I'm usually smiling, which is the least expensive way to improve your looks... and I'm all about that!

This is taken with my youngest daughter in New York City this summer. She looks a lot like me, and she thinks we're both beautiful. She even says, she likes it when we're out together because then boys will see what she's going to look like when she's 47!

my OS appointment

2008-11-25T11:31:00.004-05:00

I love my oral surgeon! I took my 17 year old son in today to have his wisdom teeth removed and I had another pre-surgical visit. I brought in photos of different profiles, including my own. I told the surgeon I know we're doing this for medical reasons but I wanted to talk about the aesthetic part of it. He said, "good, good, that is so important" and really commended me for bringing in all the pictures and said we'll talk about this more, as much as I need to. He was so understanding about what a big deal it is to change someone's face. He really complimented me on all the research I'm doing and said how important it is to prepare yourself psychologically for this type of surgery. I felt so validated. The good part of our conversation was he thought I was asking for minimal change to my profile and that would have inhibited his ability to change my airway very much. When I showed him pictures, and told him what I thought looked better, it was more movement of the top and bottom and he said that was good and really frees him up to do the best job he can for my airway! I feel like we're on the same page. This is good news and I look forward to my next appointment when we'll go over my records, see a prediction of my face change, and talk more about what he's thinking and what I'm thinking. The big question is how to communicate my chin desires... any suggestions? He mentioned a 'button' chin. The skin dips inward under the lip and then comes out at the chin, even with the lower lip (I think).

Now for the important information... my son is doing fine. All of his teeth were erupted, so surgery was uneventful. He's sleeping peacefully at the moment!

I'm scared

2008-11-24T09:59:00.003-05:00

It's probably normal to be feeling scared, right? I wonder how I'm going to look when it's all said and done. How does a surgeon strike the balance between medical help and not changing the patient's looks in a negative way. The thing I keep thinking about is how you go in for a haircut, tell the girl what you want and she cuts something WAY different, but you leave saying, 'it'll grow'. It's so hard to communicate with words, one word means something entirely different to two different people! With this surgery, you go in, talk to the surgeon about the way it's going to look, do you leave disappointed like a bad haircut, then what, it doesn't grow back like hair! And, it's your face!

I'm thinking about taking in some profile pictures and pointing to what I'm thinking he's going to do. He mentioned something about not giving me a prominent chin because I'm not used to it, but I want the best aesthetic outcome possible. How much is scientific measurement and how much is art and subjectivity of what my surgeon thinks is beautiful or balanced??? What if I like a strong jaw and he THINKS I won't like it?? What if I call a normal chin strong and ask for one, and he gives me a JAY LENO chin cause that's what's strong to him! YIKES!!! How do I communicate these things to him? And, more importantly, how do I know he gets it???

another try

2008-11-22T14:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, just want to quickly say... technologically speaking, this blog stuff is fun! I feel computer savvy. That's it for now.

time to start a blog

2008-11-22T02:59:00.000-05:00

I don't even know how to start this really. I've been looking at others' blogs and it has been so helpful. But, I definitely see value in all the feedback that comes from writing a blog.

I've been on this journey since I was about 16. I remember driving with my hand on my chin so no one would see my profile. And my 'well-meaning' guy friend who told me I looked really good 'from the back'. And the stranger who saw my face and exclaimed, 'oooh, she's ugly!'. As I write this, I don't know if I want to be this honest! I grew up with all the high school guys thinking girls were supposed to look like Farah Fawcett. What a chin she had! Anyway, all this to say, I have a recessed jaw. Or, as Matthew Perry likes to call his, a chin neck.

So, in Dec. 2006, I started googling recessed jaws and it kept coming up 'sleep apnea'. I went to a new doctor in Jan. of '07 and she suggested a sleep study. After all, my diagnosis for years had been 'chronic fatigue'. So, it came up mild sleep apnea, we tried the CPAP (to rule it out) and proceeded to the oral surgeon to see if we could get coverage for surgery. After 1 denial and 1 appeal, they approved. I got braced Dec. 2007, and on Jan. 13, 2009, I'm scheduled for MMA/GA surgery to enhance my airway for sleep apnea. As one blogger put it, when you're older time goes really fast! The time in braces has flown by and I rather like them. They haven't been too painful and they are said to take about 10 years off your looks!

I've struggled with contentment and people thinking I'm vain. People have said to me, "Elaine, God made you just the way you are and you're beautiful." That makes me feel guilty for wanting this bottom half of my face fixed. They don't get it. The internal feeling that I'm different. Seems like I should be over this by now, after all, I'm 47!

I'm thinking there is good reason for the jaw advancement surgery, the sleep apnea. But part of me thinks I'm doing it mostly for cosmetic reasons. I may get some real help from expanding my airway - it's 6mm. now and they're hoping to make it 10-12mm. That should make a real difference. It's funny, I can remember being tired a lot as a child, having trouble swallowing, chewing my food forever, etc... but then I just wonder if I'm making excuses. Anyway, I guess I feel ambivalent. But, the truth is, I'm glad I have the opportunity to have this surgery and I am hopeful to feel normal when all is said and done. Thanks for 'listening' to me ramble.